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Wed, Jun. 27th, 2007, 02:03 am
It took me nearly losing my life
to realize how much i take it for granted
Friday night I drank Way to much
to where i blacked out and vomited profusely
after a 2day hangover i thought everything was going to be fine
Til i woke up monday morning and could barely open my mouth
I looked in the mirror and i looked like a chipmunk
in complete pain i went to the dentist
for an emergency appointment
Come to find out that the pressure from me vomiting so much
caused inflammation and an infection in my tooth
*the tooth was previously cracked due to my TMJ/clenching my teeth while sleeping*
Basicly what i found out is that I had Alcohol poisoning
and they say i'm lucky to be alive
i'm now going to have a 3000 dollar
bill and i'll be in complete pain until monday.
after all of that It made me think
about life and they way i live it
I'm going to be cutting back on the drinking
as of right now I wont be drinking at all any time soon
and if i do start drinking again
it will be casually
I also realize its almost time to grow up and get on w/ my life
Finding my True friends
Finding My True Self
and getting rid of everything fake
My drunken states as of late = fake
Everyoneelse's drunken states= fake
Its all just a chance to hide from the truth
and i'm sick of hiding
and using alcohol to do so.
so i'm done
Its time to Grow up.
Thats my goal
and i will be working on it for awhile. Thu, May. 31st, 2007, 04:42 pm
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had an axioty attack today
and didn't end up going to my doc. apt.
Typical
Ugh, seriously this needs to stop Wed, May. 30th, 2007, 01:50 am
I love it how i ask him a serious question
and the only response i get is
"what the fuck are you talking about"
Nothing has changed.
I'm over it.
I'm done
I have finally realized i deserve better.
I have a doctors apt. on thursday.
and i'm not gonna lie i'm pretty freaked out about it.
Fri, May. 18th, 2007, 04:30 am
exasperated by the lack of honesty.
I give 100%
but only acquire 50%
Is it Really that hard to be honest? Thu, May. 17th, 2007, 01:38 am
so its been awhile since iv spilled my guts on here.
and thats kinnda weird cuz i should been letting it all out lately
but iv been keeping it all in for the last 2 months
The past 2 months i have been jobless, Simply becuz i needed time to myself
I was extreamly depressed when i had to leave my life, family, and heart in madison
I held it all in or drank it away, not the best idea
but in the last few weeks iv realized that
Happiness is not having what you want, its wanting what you have
I have amazing friends both here and in madison
I have an amazing mom who needs me
I have an amazing family
both here and in madison
I honestly couldn't ask for more
dont get me wrong i miss madison, and everyone there
most of my heart is still in that city.
and one day i will return not to take it but to reunite w/ it
and be whole again.
but right now i can't, i have to be happy w/ what i have
i have to get my schooling done
I have to Deal w/ everything iv been running from the past 2 years
I have to get out of this hole i dug so deep.
and im doing it
and iv never felt better.
I will be starting school again in the fall
I'm working on getting a job that i like and will have fun doing
no more jobs that suck haha
Things are good
and they just keep getting better.
Currents
My mom and dad have restraining orders against eachother
in a way its a good thing less fighting
my mom is really hurt by it but i honestly think it is making her stronger
she is finaly doing what she should of done 4 years ago and thats taking my dad to court
and getting what she deserves. I'm Proud of her
She still has her days where all she wants to do is argue i kinnda just ignor her
I'm so over the fighting. but she is doing ok and this should all be over soon.
My dad well he is still being the asshole. He has a new kid so i'm kinnda out of his life now
He wants me to befriend his g/f but i will never do that
she acts as if she is a mother figure to me but that shit needs to fucking stop
she needs to realize she is only 2 years older then me and i will never concider her my elder
my :stepmother or even family for that mater call me what you will
but i will never accept her nor will i even try to befriend her.
Me well like i said i'm doing good, i still drink a lot but its all in fun now i'm not hiding anymore
i have nothing to hide. I'm letting go of so much right now my heart is set .
Part of it is still in madison and will remain there until i reunit w/ it
Part of it is in my family *My mom Coady My sisters Erica and Link*
Part of it is w/ my friends my true friends
and the last part well its being put towards achiveing my goals
*school, Work, Happiness!!*
I love living w/ link it helps a lot i dont feel as crazy as i did/would if it was just me and my mom
I love the fact that i can see Erica when ever i want. I didn't realize how much she truely means to me
until i moved back here and started hanging out w/ her like we use to she is honestly one of the best friends i have ever had after 8 years of knowning her we are as strong as ever. and I love it! she means a lot to me and i dont ever want to lose her as a friend. She will be my maid of honor if i ever get married! haha
Upcoming
This weekend should be a good one
I'm spending it w/ Brenda becuz link coady and erica are all leaving me
we are going to madison hopefully seeing a lot of the people i miss so very much!
Brenda is an amazing girl, iv only known her for a short time but she is very careing and easy to talk to
ooo yeah, I met a boy that makes me feel ugh i dont even know. He is one of a kind, i could lay w/ him all day long. He puts a smile on my face. Its nice to finally feel this feeling again. I love it.
Conclusion
I'm Happy and i plan to keep it this way!
Sun, Apr. 8th, 2007, 01:20 am
Screaming out for help
She has always lived her life regret free
taking every mistake and learning from it
but when the mistakes repeat time and time again
regret becomes a feeling she can't escape
Morals are fading
and life is nothing but a joke
she notices the signs that state "wrong way"
but it only excites her as she continues down the road
She needs better directions
For this girl has lost all hope.
Mon, Feb. 12th, 2007, 04:27 pm
Can some one tell me why,
all guys are the same!?
seriously, i start letting someone in against my will
i really didn't want to but i'll admit i started being optimistic about the situation.
and look what fucking happened.
Once again
I was lied to
and betrayed
I GIVE UP.
My wall will not be coming down
any time soon.
simply because i was right
no one is trustworthy! Tue, Jan. 23rd, 2007, 03:52 pm
My Love
Not a day goes by that i dont think of you.
The distances is killing me
or making me stronger
i have yet to figure it out
We have grown so far apart
but My feelings have yet to change
I still love you with all my heart
Its a feeling i have never had w/ anyone else
but
you left me
and i couldn't wait any longer
it has been to long i must let go
This is one of the hardest things
I have ever had to do.
Just know
I will always love you
I will always care
I will always be here for you
No matter the distance between us.
I wish "goodbye" was easier. Sun, Jan. 14th, 2007, 08:17 pm
I made a trip to madison this weekend
for Tylers birthday.
My goal for the weekend was not to see
"him"
so i had it all planed out i was going to be there
when he wasnt
well it all back fired
5 mins after i walk thru the door
He walked in.
and i wanted to ball my eyes out.
Its soo hard to see him
I miss him so much
but when i'm not in madison
i dont think about him
every second of every day.
its so hard
all iv done is help me
care about him
and be there for him when he is crying
and what does he do
He is the one that makes me cry.
I dont know what to do anymore.
i just need to stay away
but it hurts becuz there are so many others
that i dont want to stay away from.
:( Wed, Jan. 10th, 2007, 12:07 am
A lot has been going on
and i haven't had time to post here to vent
but i can't sleep so perfect time for LJ right?!
anyways
I moved I'm living in LG w/ my cuz Kayla
*yeah i know we fight alot but it has been going good so far*
I had to move cuz my dad was going to cut me off unless i moved home
*he wants me to deal w/ my mom so he doesn't have to*
shitty i know!
but he said if i didn't he wasn't paying for my schooling
and i said i'll pay for it myself or wont go and he said
"well then you owe me a lot of money"
so yeah i was fucked
but i'm happy
so its ok i'm excited to go back to school
I have a fulltime job
and i live w/ 2 girls that i love to death
I made 4 different resolutions for the new year
and i'm happy to say that iv kept them so far
I dont want to drink that much and slowly i want to go to not drinking at all
I want to LET GO! and you should know what i'm talking about
I want to get back in school
and i want to be HAPPY.
and i'm 4 for 4 right now
I have only drank once since the new year and it wasn't even on new years eve
I dont think about him unless i'm near him and well i'm living almost 2 hours away now.
I start classes soon!
and truly HAPPY!
things are good.
:) Fri, Dec. 22nd, 2006, 03:43 am
I feel as if my dad threw a brick in my window
and ran today
and attaced to that brick was a lil note that said
Hey You have a baby brother!
ACCEPT IT!
I WANT SO BAD TO LOVE THIS KID.
I WANT SO BAD TO CARE FOR HIM AND HOLD HIM.
AND LET HIM KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM.
but i can't until i know for a fact he is forsure my brother.
My dad believes her
but i dont she is a spitful lil bitch
and i can't fucking stand her
she even named the kid after my grandfather who passed away
2 years ago.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING ASK MY DAD ABOUT IT!
SHE JUST DID IT!
and If i knew for sure he was my dads child and my brother
it would be fine
but i dont know
no one does
i dont know how to feel about all of this :( Wed, Dec. 20th, 2006, 07:11 am
Lately
Our nights have ended
With Screams
With silence
With anger
With frustration
With Hate
With Tears
But Tonight It ended with a kiss and smiles.
[but i will not get my hopes up]
Sun, Dec. 17th, 2006, 11:33 pm
I'm not happy here
I love madison
and i love everyone here
but i'm just ready for something new.
i feel as if i'm just running again
so i'm trying to force myself to stay
but i'm scared if i do i wont be happy.
i dont know what to do
i guess i just wait and see what happens
come march.
:( Thu, Dec. 14th, 2006, 01:01 am
I Can Honestly Say
I have let go of my past.
in many ways!
and iv never felt soo good
only thing is
is that i feel like moving again
and a part of me says its because i want to start fresh
but the other part says i'm just running again.
idk what to do
Only time will tell
all i'm worried about right now
is me being happy
and i am! Mon, Dec. 11th, 2006, 08:06 pm
I'm Doing what ever i can to keep myself busy
I dont want to sit still
becuz when i do everything hits me
all the drama
all the shit w/ my dad
just Everything.
and i just dont want to deal w/ it
i just want to hide
but thats not the right thing to do
there for i'm just keeping myself busy
so if you wanna help keep me busy
i could use it!!!
:)
Tue, Dec. 5th, 2006, 09:16 pm
I Wish I had Never Met Him
and I Mean That w/ all my heart.
Whats left of it that is. Mon, Dec. 4th, 2006, 05:12 am
I wish
The weekends would last forever!
Mondays SUCK! Wed, Nov. 29th, 2006, 10:27 pm
Where to start?
hmmm
Things are good for once.
I'm extremely happy.
its weird
but i like it haha
I have made the choice to be more understanding
in the situation w/ my dad. Its not all his fault.
Iv been spending more time w/ my mom
she is going thru some really hard times right now
her best friend just found out that she has leukemia
*my mom is taking it really hard*
but i'm trying my hardest to be there for her as much as possible
and as for my personal life
My friends are amazing and i love them all to Death
and as for the boy situation well its not something i want to get in to
Its good dont get me wrong
but its something i dont want to stress out about
and think too much about.
I'm just going w/ the flow
and i'm happy!
:)
I know i haven't been a very good friend lately
and i am truly sorry for that but i was being selfish for awhile
and trying to make myself happy.
cuz how could others make me happy if i can't do it myself?
but i'm happy now
and i'm excited for the future
and believe me i'm going to work on being a better friend!
<3 Fri, Nov. 10th, 2006, 01:12 am
You want to catch your breath
[you want to get out]
But as you surface
you don't really know how
How to live upon the
[solid ground]
Sometimes it's easier
to let yourself
[drown]
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006, 09:08 pm
I know I need to change my ways
but to be completely honest
I dont want to.
I no longer have a reason
to change my ways.
as of right now that is.
I'm haveing fun,
I'm Happy.
and i'm protecting myself from
assholes.
I'm sick of guys
screwing me over
making me believe one thing
but doing the complete opposite.
so i'm keeping to myself
hanging out w/ friends
but not getting to close
and pushing some people away
well to narrow it down
i'm pushing one of my best friends away
he use to be
my reason for changeing my ways
but now
my reason for hurting
my reason for not really caring anymore
my reason for not changeing my ways.
I want to keep him in my life
but i dont trust my feelings
i dont trust myself
not right now i'm to weak
i need him
i want him
but i can't have him the way i want him
and its killing me
so right now its easier for me to give up
then to be let down.
*its just how i feel right now*
*i'm sorry* |
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